Why not?

by Jesse Hirsch

Mr. Pearse is going to be so cross with me. He submitted a new Haul post two (2) weeks ago and I've been lazily sitting on it like a content hoarder. Consolation to the young chappy — here is Pearse's Eater debut, a très* relevant piece about scoring deep-discount restaurant food before it ends up in the dumpster.

Quick story:

A lady was making a big scene at the checkout on Wednesday, and it's hard to describe her specific brand of chaos. She had a ton of groceries — like a full supermarket sweep — but she wasn't sure if she could pay for all of them. So she kept yelling for a worker to take items away, like she didn't even want them in her sight. But then she'd change her mind and say "Oh I want that chicken now!" and the poor guy would go bring it back. This went on for awhile - the line grew quite long.

She also had two packages of frozen breakfast sausage under her armpit, which the cashier pointed out gingerly. The lady responded by howling "OHHHHH LORD!!!!" like a mad wolf. Anyway, she finally finally bought everything she wanted, got one of the dudes to pack the items in her granny cart, and she was preparing to leave. As I passed her on my way to the register, she leaned in close and purred, "Your hair is the most gorgeous color." Reader, I blushed!

I have another story to share about a guy who used to work there but it's pretty sad (Abby cried), so it doesn't suit the holiday weekend mood. Let's just look at some Featured Items, shall we?

xo,

Jesse

*I have French dual citizenship, while Pearse's family is from the UK, which makes us a) blood enemies and b) friends.

This has been sitting in our cabinet for so long, but Abby has Covid and regular food isn't appealing. Her review: "Sweeter than expected, and also there were pieces of soil in it." I guess that might be true?

Jewish Covid Soup, Take 2. Abby's health is improving so I added some goodies to this mild green broth: grilled chicken, cabbage, potatoes, and onions. Her review: "This is really good I mean it!" but her weak smile told another story.

This was not a delicious product, but I should shoulder some blame, no? Cold BBQ-flavored turkey imitations - what an unappealing concept. I did NOT want to make a sandwich with these rubbery placemats so I chopped them up and made a stir-fry where they couldn't do much harm. RIP.

Also I have to share some very cool copy from the back of the package:
Sandwiches are everything we ever wanted from a meal - savory, stackable, shareable, happily wrapped packages of yum.

I'm always saying this.

This is the third item we've purchased from the biggest food company in Bangladesh - the first two were "bag of bay leaves" and "bag of dried chili." I find this item fun and appealing and I plan to sprinkle dried onions on everything!

Speaking of fun, I've been quite enjoying this here squeezebag o' sour cream. Feels like frosting a cake! My only complaint is that the creamy ribbon comes out a bit thick. Like, the diameter of a dime.

(Oh god why is my hand wet in this picture?)

If you watch Succession, you've probably seen the cutesy, self-aware ads for this anti-corporate corporation. Dear lord they drive me nuts. Acting like you're a homespun little farm-to-table operation when you raised $220 million in an IPO and are advertising on one of HBO's most popular franchises. Get bent!

(Good butter, though.)