There's so much I want to tell you about. Like, did you know that me and Abby are now influencers for Bush's Beans? Or that I got in an argument at my hot yoga studio and decided to never return? Or that my coworker Dylan put festive little Santa hats on everyone's office lamps?

I have to start somewhere, so let's go with the sex cult in our backyard. Do you know about One Taste? It was a woo-woo, moneyed movement that started in the Bay Area in the early aughts, single-mindedly focused on giving women the best orgasms. I remember a bunch of glowing press early on, before the super-dark allegations emerged. Lena Dunham even produced a documentary about it.

ANYway there was a huge fire on our Harlem block in late 2023, if you recall. Construction crews spent last year feverishly rehabbing the damaged building, right next to the surplus grocer. Before the fire it had housed a transitional living center, and we assumed that's what they were rebuilding. Nope! It's the cult's new home.

It has profoundly changed the vibe of our immediate neighborhood. We often see the leader Nicole D swanning about with fancy ladies in tow — imagine scarves and bangles and fleets of white Land Rovers. For a while their storefront had glass display windows so Abby and I could gawk at the erotic literature and yoni-centered art — then they frosted the glass. Consolation prize: They built a little prayer garden in our backyard where they conduct Buddhist ceremonies sometimes.

I don't know, man. Everything feels pretty weird! Let's talk about groceries.

xo,

Jesse

Gear count: bean bucket hat, bean baseball cap, bean sweater, bean socks, bean advent calendar, and a panic button that says something about beans when you hit it. Thanks Bush's Beans!

Guess who?

I texted Abby to ask if we needed these. She politely demurred. Suspect it might have been a mistake.

My cousin requested we bring egg nog to a dinner party tonight. When I asked if this would be okay, she sent back several puke emojis.

Canada Dry seltzer is what first got us hooked so thoroughly — it means something to us. That's why I'm so perturbed by their recent rebrand:

Abby says it tastes better now. Flavor of my tears.

A product that dares to ask: What if sweet kettle corn, but dusted with cheese powder? Early household reviews have not been kind.

Gia Russa gon' fuck you up.

Really love products that were clearly intended for food service usage. A Reddy Raw brand.

I love love love the combo of ketchup and mayo on a breakfast sandwich or a burger, which makes me basic/American I suppose. Yet I suspect this product will not be good.

Tonight, we are kings.