Who loves content?

This week I'm going to try out a bunch of new sections. Let me know what you like!

xo,

Jesse

On Friday my homie Lacey came over for a visit. We got food from the birria truck and walked it back to my apartment. On the way home, I asked if she wanted a peek inside the surplus grocer. This is a rare invite; I've been displeased with a few so-called "friends" who decided the store is too ramshackle or chaotic or something. I need to fully trust any outsider before they enter this sacred space.

I didn't really need anything (my third trip of the day lol) but they had some new buffalo chicken dip and I couldn't resist. Mala was at the register, looking at Lacey but talking to me. They had gotten a big supply of seltzer in earlier that day, ending a terrible 1-week drought.

Mala: Jesse did you get some of that seltzer?
Jesse: 24 cans, and I'll be back for more tomorrow!
Lacey: I thought you said all the cans were dented or bad?
Jesse: ~warning look~ Let's discuss this later ok?

While inside the store, I could feel everyone's curious eyes tracking us: Who is this tall character hanging out with Jesse, carrying nachos and cracking wise? I brought Abby in the next day so none of the gossipy workers would get the wrong idea about me and Lacey.

I guess they could still have the wrong idea. Hm.

A couple subscribers have informed me about a passionate Facebook seltzer group with like a billion members, and suggested I could find my tribe there. But here's a thing about me: I don't like online communities, for reasons I can't quite articulate. Maybe I don't want to be defined by my banal passions, or to feel like they aren't unique. Maybe it feels too time-consuming. Or maybe I'm just a hater?

Either way, I won't be joining this members-only Facebook group and getting into big arguments about Polar orange vanilla, or wasting precious life minutes on in-depth seltzer reviews. My mania will be siloed to this page only, a mixed blessing for my ever-so-patient readers.

Why is this coffee creamer labeled in Spongebob chaos font??

As mentioned prior, the salvage grocer has been working through a bunch of bulk items from Sam's Club. This includes big boxes of frozen pizzas, three to a package for $15.

Recently a woman was looking in the freezer case, and was taken aback by the pizza price. Her running commentary:

"Fifteen bucks for a pizza?! Feel free to lick my balls!"

She was grinning and shaking her head as she walked away.

"That's right darling, gonna need you to be licking EVERY BIT of my balls with that price."

I'm pretty sure she didn't see me nearby, and there was no one else around.

You've likely heard about our national egg shortage, driven by the nasty ol' bird flu, and compounded by supply chain snafus. I've read lots of articles about it, had it pitched to me three times at Ambrook Research, and heard anecdotal evidence from my Twitter community — empty shelves and 9-dollar dozens abound.

ANYway, the surplus grocer currently has lots of organic eggs for three dollars a dozen, further proof it exists on some bizarro parallel supply chain, unaffected by the vagaries of the real world. This is only the latest example of an item that went scarce everywhere else but here. Off the top of my head: Butter, meat, toilet paper, and Oatly were fully stocked during national shortages.

I suppose this sounds like bragging.

Abby and I adore these plates, a hip, lively celebration of Sports. We're in disagreement about how we should use them, however. Abby is having some track teammates over for a meal, and thinks these plates would be a funny nod to the fact that they are all athletes.

Personally I think that is a bit too "on-the-nose" as a joke. I'm suggesting we use these plates the next time we have dinner guests who don't care about sports at all. They'll be like "Random!", and we'll all have a good chuckle.

This is literally five pounds of Indian curd yogurt, aka dahi. I bought it for Abby's smoothies, thinking I'd be a hero, but it immediately felt like a mistake. When you've got a fridge that's already an outtake from Hoarders, you really don't need items taking up this much real estate. Plus Abby is stressed that she won't be able to use it fast enough to prevent spoilage. What a mess.

This was an impulse buy, and I suspect they might be gross. Best-case scenario is "edible." Our cashier also suggested we try the balsamic vinegar variety, but I couldn't imagine a scenario when those would appeal. Crunchsters, y'all.

I've been buying puppy food for Lola, even though she is four years old. It's a fancy brand, and they're selling it for a dollar a can — I simply cannot resist. What's the harm, really? The chunks are smaller for little puppy mouths but overall I'm sure Lola will benefit from all the nutrients. Plus I get to call her a silly little baby, just like when I buy this milk for Abby!

Abby and I were blown away by this item — it's a concept we had simply never considered. The origin story on the box: "For years, watermen have reserved a portion of their daily catch to share and enjoy with family and friends. Now at-home diners can partake in that same tradition." Please note that it never specifically mentions tuna chili, which I suspect this off-brand company invented.

I'm psyched to try it!