the cruellest month

Hi everybody,

Not much going on in my life, so let's talk about surplus groceries.

On Wednesday morning I visited the store soon after it opened at 9am. Before leaving the house, I announced it was time for my "retail therapy," a tired old gag I cannot stop repeating. In some ways it isn't a joke at all—the surplus grocer is one unmitigated source of joy in my life.

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, it can get quite crowded there. The actual floorspace is not immense, with narrow aisles and a tendency to encounter obstacles in heavy-traffic areas. It's difficult to predict when the store will be busiest—I've seen long lines on random weekday afternoons—but Wednesday I lucked out.

As soon as I cast my eyes over the interior, I could tell it was blessedly empty. A tranquil feeling washed over me—oh, to shop in peace, to poke around the aisles without getting nudged aside, to leisurely read ingredient labels, to bask.

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No sooner had I noted my good timing than the "door guy"—he stows bags and granny carts while you shop, and gives you a cardboard coat check number—sprinted in front of me with a look of grim determination. He ran over to a disheveled-looking guy and grabbed him roughly.

Out of the man's puffy jacket fell like 5 boxes of Ziploc baggies, at which point he started wailing. Then, suddenly, the apparent shoplifter was naked from the waist down. His pants had fallen to his ankles during the scuffle. Door guy then grabbed the dude's arm and frog-marched him out of the store as he continued wailing and attempting to cover his privates. Grim af.

Anyway, April is the cruellest month, some say. I'm feeling it.

xo,

Jesse

P.S. Watch this space.

Featured Items

Okay, this is a supply chain delight. Never heard of this brand? That's because you're not an elite member of MGM Resorts' rewards program. These bottles of water are a member freebie! But here's the kicker: "M Life" was the former name for the rewards program—it's now called simply "MGM Rewards." Thus, the company can't keep giving out bottles with outdated branding. This is an amazing product for the surplus grocer to obtain.

I'm using this toilet paper as an entry point to discuss our pandemic TP experience. Remember all those shortages? We never suffered through them, because we always had Belinno—a Turkish brand—on hand.

Dollar a pack! Not too scratchy, always available. Such a steal. The Weis toilet paper above is the surplus grocer's current TP of choice, store brand for a chain of Jersey supermarkets. But they're charging $1.79! Thanks, Biden (jk).

Also during the pandemic I bought a 9-pack of Korean toilet paper for a really good price but didn't notice it was grotesquely jasmine-scented. Abby was cross.

This is my second purchase of pimiento cheese from the surplus grocer—the first one didn't go so well. I bought a cheap-o store brand and Abby, a dyed-in-the-wool Southerner, said it was 100% not legit. This brand is the real deal, though, and I'm going to use them to make fancy deviled eggs for a Passover Seder tomorrow. Do you know about pimiento cheese? We can talk about it some other time.

We've become pals with an eccentric, recently emigrated Italian family in our building. The family includes a tiny older woman and her two large adult children, plus a 200-pound Doberman they only take outside when there's no one in the hallway because he has biting problems. We got friendly after helping them carry 5 cases of lemons upstairs because it turned out they were doing an intensive cleanse.

ANYway Abby baked some nice apple galettes recently, as is her wont. Because I don't love sweets, she often gives her baked treats away to friends and neighbors—our Italian friends got a galette. To thank Abby for her largesse, the family rang our bell the next day and presented us these two chocolate bunnies, with bonus headbands.

Now we know where they shop, lol.