Remiss

by Nicole Harvey

(Note from Jesse: This is Part 2 of Grocery Weirdos Rise Up - sorry for the delay! When we left off, Nico was entering Grocery Outlet with her partner CJ.)

After the fashion of grocers everywhere, Grocery Outlet has taken in quite a number of hot superfoods and what I call derisively “FutureFud©,” I've complained previously about how this impacts real estate for staples, but it feeds into my desire to lampoon beet lattes and hyper-optimized food. I have been a vegetarian since I was young, so perhaps I feel a bullied kid's need to push back against a world that wants us to eat dirt-flavored powder and like it.

There's a trend toward expensive products showing up at slightly reduced prices, and I'm inclined to believe it has to do with both the media focus on salvage grocers, and also the rising socioeconomic demographics for this part of town. Our local Safeway is predictably awful in the way most Safeways are, but a fancy new grocer is building in the former thrift store down the street. What does this mean for our plucky lil' Grocelet?

There are some things I'm probably never going to buy on principle, and this expensive sauce is one of them. I think it's because I know how to cook (is this level of shade allowed, or will it get me banned from The Haul?)

One thing I'm not going to complain about: the entertainment value of the cereal aisle. This was a missed opportunity to make Tony blue, but I guess you don't mess with Kellogg's IP.

CJ was quite taken with these. We like our cereal to taste like cardboard and contain as much fiber. Also frankly this sounds disgusting.

Not cereal, but answering the question, what if Margaret Keane painted Bratz dolls, I guess?

And surprise tattoos, that's more like you traveled to Reno for your friend's birthday and she talked you into consuming the entire shots menu.

Okay, those are things we left behind, but our Grocelet has also been excelling in items I wouldn't bring home at normal price but am all in at halves.

Looks like jackfruit tacos for dinner. I low-key dislike fake meat (hello vegetarian virtue signaling), but this doesn't really resemble what I'd call fake meat so much as "textural interest." I put a ton of coriander and cumin into it, but it still tasted briny, so deglazed with mezcal. Then more mezcal. Overly tangy taco, won’t repurchase.

How much respect did I lose for myself by buying this vegan nacho cheese? That I'm allowing my ersatz Papalote salsa and some homemade pickled onions to photobomb says it all. It was strangely compelling, oozy and spicy: 50¢ more than the jackfruit, and 50% more delicious. Maybe the rest will go on a baked potato. Maybe I'll pretend I'm a fussy vegan baby and eat it off a tiny spoon.

This was shockingly good, but I don't feel great about buying packaged guacamole when I can make it myself. You haven't lived until you've used guilt as a seasoning: terrific on a heavily discounted corn tortilla.

​Is this a good time to talk about all the appropriated foods getting packaged for white people, like jackfruit and tepache (a product of Mexico and itself made from waste materials like pineapple rind)? The other day at a Safeway, I saw a young coconut wrapped in plastic and branded as a "drinking coconut." SMDH.

(Note from Jesse: Abby wrote about Mexican beverages for Saveur and we now have absurd amounts of this Tepache in our house. I've started giving it away to people I barely know. Life is so challenging.)

If I want to make myself feel really bad, I can talk about these vegan Swedish gummy bears. I grew up in Los Angeles and am deeply resistant to anything that sells itself as characteristic of a place, it's reductive and cynical. I got the fruity ones.

I might not have bought them if I read the packaging: "a cleaner candy." They do not mean your teeth, these things are sticky. Much prefer the agar lychee jellies I bought last time.

​Truly, I should have looked closer before going with the fruity assortment, because one of the flavors is banana. I pulled the offending flavor out and dropped them in some mezcal. I later made a slightly regrettable cocktail with the infusion.

​In addition to a larger, less expensive bag of chocolate almonds, we picked up a new-to-us M&M’S variation because CJ likes chocolate more than I do. He thought the texture was gross, and in a weird turn, I liked it. Strong coffee note, didn’t taste as stale as some of the chocolate that ends up here. Am rethinking my assertion that I don't have a sweet tooth.

The femme M&M (fem&m?) on the package has a whole "but first, coffee..." thing going on. The product website proclaims "You don't need a straw to enjoy this caramel cold brew coffee treat! Our NEW M&M'S Caramel Cold Brew milk chocolate candy has coffee shop-inspired vibes in bite size pieces." Vibes.

These were not great, but that’s because as I “enjoyed” them, I reminded CJ that there’s a patisserie a 10-minute walk from our house. A box of six is equivalent to the price of one fresh macaron, so if we’re doing economics, win. It was supposedly Apicus who stated that “We eat first with our eyes.” As seasoned bargain shoppers, perhaps we eat first with our wallet?

Also purchased: vegan ice cream, puerh tea, assorted nuts, crackers, shelf-stable tofu, English cheddar, and California yogurt. This was probably my most expensive trip to Grocelet in a while, but how can you put a value on the thrill of the hunt?

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Jesse here again, to say thank you Nicole! What a romp that was. I'm going to go buy your care package now. Don't forget to make an unboxing video...

xo,

Me