Gimme Seltzer 3: Requiem

I mean, some of it definitely has to do with not drinking much these days.

As our lifestyle mellows, it's nice to have an alt-beverage to channel our passions into. Though I honestly can't remember ever being this vocal about beer: I probably say 3-4 times a day (ask Abby): "Oh my god is this refreshing! What else is so good? Nothing!" I'll pound a seltz can in like 20 seconds, just watch me. I also love to toss an empty can violently into the recycling bin, like something has been ACCOMPLISHED.

Hot yoga is also a factor! (Skip this paragraph if you think I'm bragging or it makes you feel angry in any way.) There is a direct correlation between the intensity of a given class and how many seltzer cans I crush when I get home. It's visceral, the cravings and the crushings. My mom says she doesn't get thirsty very much but when she does—hoo boy is it satisfying to quench that thirst. I'm out here every day, feeling that vibe.

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A habit largely borne of the surplus grocer has now spilled into the outside world. For you see, when you're drinking a collective 8 to 10 cans per day, there will come a time when local supply can't meet demand. The other day I approached the beverage pallets and the surplus grocer's grumpiest employee stood in front of me shaking his head. "No seltzer today!" he barked. Okay fine, don't have to be mean about it.

So we've had to build in supplemental visits to Target to keep the shelves stocked. They always have a sale brand - 8 cans for $3.25. It's not quite 3 for a dollar but we won't go broke. Now we've introduced all types of new brands into our household (and our hearts): Waterloo and Bubly and Aha, oh my.

I do feel disloyal! Both to Canada Dry and the surplus grocer in general. (Abby sometimes takes secret trips to Trader Joes and I act like it's a big betrayal—real baby stuff.) But needs are needs, and we gotta have our seltz.

It's time to wind down my seltzer content (don't cry) but let me draw your attention to the above satchels. Recently we went to the surplus grocer and they had dozens of seltzer cans, all different brands: Schweppes and Bubly and Polar! We bought every single can, and spent the week tripping over gigantic bags in our kitchen. Cup runneth over, for real.

Let me close with some random seltzer tidbits:

-In the South, be careful when you're buying seltzer water—the default is sweetened! On a recent trip to Jacksonville I got duped into buying several bottles of sickly sweet peach seltz at a CVS. Look for a prominent "Unsweetened" label on the bottle to know you aren't buying soda in disguise.

-At fast food establishments, you know how they give you tiny free cups if you just want water from the fountain machine? I always fill them with seltzer (aka "soda water") and I'm not sure if that's breaking the rules.

-Club soda is a little different from straight seltzer, but it's a fine substitute at bars and on planes. ALTHOUGH big ups to American Airlines, which recently started offering Aha Watermelon Lime cans, thousands of feet above the earth. Oh, the majesty of it all.

-LaCroix is like, my least favorite seltzer, and I'm not just trying to be different. It tastes very artificial imho. Also? Topo Chico is fine, not spectacular. Sorry! (Hal's is tight, though.)

-If CBD is your thing, I have a brand of seltz for you! It's delicious and uses real fruit juice and ships anywhere in the U.S. I discovered it at a dispensary in Eugene, Oregon. Brand is called Wyld.

-The other day in hot yoga, I opened my water bottle and you could hear that slight hsssss release of bubbles. I kid you not the teacher broke her routine to say, "Did someone just open some seltzer? That sounds SO GOOD!" I waved meekly.

xo,

Jesse

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