Big cat top of the food chain

I got Covid last week and still feel weird. Who even gets Covid anymore? So gauche. Pretty sure I caught it from my congested yoga teacher, who kept telling everyone he didn't have Covid (sure sign of having it). Suppose it could have been the lady sneezing next to me on the train, but it's funnier to blame your yoga teacher.

*

Last week I had to walk an old man home from the grocer, after a near-altercation. See, the man was wearing a straw hat, which brushed another shopper when he leaned over to get something. Shopper number two, clearly on a hair trigger, proceeded to COME UNDONE. Hissing and screaming, pure feral energy. Had some muscled workers not intervened, I think he would have creamed Mr. Hat.

Anyway, a clearly shaken hatman (real name Michael) requested I walk him home, to the bougie condo complex across from my place. Turns out he lives in a fancy town Upstate, but keeps an East Harlem pied-à-terre for infrequent city visits. Learning of Michael's class status shouldn't have lessened my sympathies, and yet. I bid him a wan farewell: "Enjoy your summer."

*

As you can see, our freezer is beyond capacity; Freezer Two and the fridge are also ailing. See, the surplus grocer is going through an event we see like once or twice a year, when it acquires a motherlode of premium perishables at a scale that's hard to keep up with. Mala said he's stressed out because their walk-in freezer is at peak capacity: "It's crazy! Food up to here," he said, gesturing toward the ceiling.

As such, this week will be a double dose of Featured Items, nothing more. I need to share this with you.

xo,

Jesse

P.S. Lots of people said they would pay real money for The Haul! I will offer a paid subscription tier once I figure out how.

How is this the first Fieri-branded item I've snagged from the surplus grocer? His goofy merch seems ideal for bargain basements. Anyway, I doubt this will slap.

This dip is so damned good! It has a different consistency than expected, like cream cheese or ricotta, but the flavor is unbelievable. We've been putting it on fried fish sandwiches, though I've nabbed a couple of stray spoonfuls a la carte.

You know how most of America's corn goes into cattle feed and ethanol? That's how I think of these commodity 'cado chunklets - good for Abby's workout smoothies and nothing else.

These are simply the cutest things I've ever seen. Tell me you disagree and I'll call you a liar. To your face!

So much going with this "Old Folks" country sausage, but my favorite part is the brand's website: https://itsgooo-od.com/. How is anyone, old or not, supposed to remember that? Shame, because that is a GREAT website.

Abby is a bit fussy about her iced coffee. She says that "cold brew" is simply too strong, and makes her act kookoo crazy (like when Boomers talk about modern cannabis). I honestly can't tell the difference between cold brew and regular iced coffee, but whatever. I found this rare bottle of non-cold brew at the surplus grocer and brought it home proudly, like a cat with a dead mouse in his craw. (?)

On a recent visit Mala brought me to the freezer with a sly look. He lifted up a stack of frozen biscuits and revealed a few of these premium salmon fillets wedged behind them. He'd hidden them so the hoi polloi couldn't access! But Mala knew I was a fellow salmonhead, so he let me in on his stash. My friend.

We did the math and buying a big box of these beef jerky strips is much cheaper than buying dog treats. Googling "jerky safe for dogs" doesn't give a very clear answer, so we're doing it. (Lola is not mad.)

Also it's fun to say "Cattleman's Cut" out of context.

This product is dangerous! Not like, dangerously addictive, but actually risky to human health. See, the chicken is actually raw but nowhere on the packaging makes this clear. USDA recently created new rules for this very kind of product (I wrote about it here), as it causes a lot of people to get salmonella by undercooking. I'm not a huge worry wart but come on y'all: Do the bare minimum.

(Yes, it's delicious.)

Is it irresponsible to buy a 5-pound capicolla log when your freezer looks like ours? Too late.