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The surplus grocer workers can grow impatient with our seltzer scavengery. The cans are stacked high on enormous pallets, mixed in hodgepodge with ginger ale and iced tea and prebiotic soda for weirdos. Thus Abby and I have to crouch down to find seltzer cans on the perimeter of the stacks, prying them out like the load-bearing Jenga blocks that you really should leave alone. That creates structural instability but the other option — lifting full cases off the stack and placing them on the floor while we inspect what lies beneath — creates blockage in the store's narrow aisles.

Abby suggested it would be easier for everybody if they separated out all the seltzer in advance, but that seems like a pretty significant burden to accommodate...us, mostly. We aren't worth that kind of fuss, I promise.

Our iced coffee habits are almost as unhinged, but less annoying. Really this is a matter of scale. Unlike seltzer cans, which are single-serve and take ~10 seconds to crush, the grocer typically gets coffee in 48-ounce bottles. Typically it's the big four brands (Starbucks, Stok, La Colombe, Califia) though there have been outliers, like Chobani (who knew?) and everyone's favorite bro-brew.

(Why is 48 ounces such a standard amount for store-bought iced coffee, by the way? That's 0.375 gallons, which feels pretty random. Oh! It's the equivalent of three 16-ounce coffees. That must be it. Sorry, I'm being super-boring, appreciate your patience.)

Anyway we cause less mayhem when the store gets iced coffee shipments (usually friday mornings) because it's never more than 10 bottles and we simply buy them all. In fact, as I've mentioned before we have a ~guy on the inside~ who often stashes iced coffee in anticipation of our visits.

One time a pushy lady saw him handing me a milk crate filled with Starbucks and said "what's that I want some" and grabbed a bottle, which made my pal cross: "That's not for you!" If I'm being generous, that lady probably deserves cheap iced coffee as much as I do. These are simply the perks of my shopping mania.

Also this perk has a brief shelf life. Our guy will hold the coffee for one day, maybe two, then put them out for the public if he hasn't seen me. Then the next time I come in he'll say "Where were you??" and chuckle deeply. Which of course contributes to my "MUST CHECK INVENTORY EVERY 15 MINUTES" pathology.

*

ANYway I am on a plane to Maui for work (hush stop talking can't hear you) and I'll be away all week. Abby will have to mind the store in my absence. They just got a fresh seltz shipment — she better send pics or my trip will be ruined!

xo,

Jesse

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Our Coffee Friend stashed like 100 single-serve cans of La Colombe for us recently which are now cluttering up our kitchen (this is one of 3 boxes). The first can was totally rancid — actual spit take from Abby — but that was an anomaly. So far, we're at like 90% not-spoiled, which are odds I can get behind. Kind of a shishito pepper vibe.

(Please note there is a can of La Colombe in the Haul logo!)

Many moons ago when I worked at Modern Farmer, we ran a good piece about how many people will say they support humanely produced eggs, even vote to mandate them, but don't want to pay a higher price at the supermarket. I think that article convinced me not to be hypocritical about my egg buying. (I'm less dogmatic about meat and dairy, to my shame).

So. We never get factory eggs, which often means buying 'em from our weekly veggie box purveyors for 5 or 6 bucks a dozen. We prefer those, as they come from smaller local farms, but occasionally the surplus grocer gets a good brand like this — and sells them for 2 bucks a dozen! It's really wild, they don't distinguish the price between pastured/humane/organic eggs and the mass-produced ones in styrofoam containers.

(Note: This story from my old pal Tamar will likely drive you mad.)

Nobody talks about seasoned fries anymore! I'll occasionally see them on a bar menu — curly, usually — but they aren't a thing like when I was younger. I don't know if I actually like them better than regular fries but they always seemed a little fancier. Was there an upcharge? Can't recall. Also, I like that "seasoned" is its own flavor profile, and you know exactly how they will taste. (Abby did discover that ranch is better than ketchup for these duders.)

In other news, I've never been to a Checkers, and I've never heard of Rally's. It's like we get to visit a mall in some far-off state, without leaving our home! We made these fries as a side dish for a VERY special meal, which I'll tell you about later. Promise.

Key lime pie is one of those rare dessert items that I'll eff with, like an Entenmann's danish. Sadly, Abby found this product too sweet after one half slice, so this pie is my burden alone. It is pretty treacly, but I have a solemn duty to consume it.

Speaking of Jesse's Burdens! I finally finished this relish-forward goop, after like 100 sloppy tuna melts. Uncertain why I bought it.